Celebrating Life

Ok, so my blog writing has been sporadic, but don't worry, when I start to get really busy at school the entries will become more frequent since I'll be avoiding actual work.

The theme of today's post, however, is going to probably be a bit of a bummer, although I hope it ends with a positive message. Today, I attended the memorial service for one of the graduate students in my department, Casey. Last week, Casey died unexpectedly from unknown causes, and for the past several days many people have been reeling from his death. The night that everyone found out was incredibly upsetting, mainly because we did not have details as to how he had died, and immediately people began jumping to the conclusion that he had committed suicide. I understand that it is difficult for people to understand how a healthy, active, young man like Casey could just suddenly pass, but I think that before assuming it had to be suicide, people need to first understand that the human body is fragile. Although it's scary, our bodies can sometimes fail us unexpectedly and for no apparent reason, and as young people we carry around this feeling of invincibility. We believe that we have all this time left and that there will always be plenty of opportunities to accomplish everything we want to do. Casey's tragic passing is a reminder that we cannot predict the future, and that there may not always be another tomorrow to do all those things.

I didn't know Casey incredibly well, but I know he was a kind, warm, compassionate, and funny person. He was also just genuinely nice and good-natured. Anytime I spoke with him or hung out with him he was always smiling, making jokes, and usually wearing his Duff hat. I always wondered how many people realized The Simpsons reference. Casey was also incredibly helpful during my first year of graduate school. He gave frank, funny advice on how to deal with the winter quarter hell of Principles of Social Theory combined with Statistics 649, how to pick an advisor, and how to just survive the experience itself. He also told great stories about working as a poker dealer and his travels across Europe. I was hoping that in my second year I would be able to get to know him better, but now I am content with the fact that I was able to know him at all.

In order to honor him, the department held a memorial service in his honor, and people were invited to share stories or thoughts about him. Everyone said wonderful things, and they all echoed the sentiment that we need to live for today, maintain our appreciation and wonder for knowledge, and to let the people in our lives know how much we care for them. As I walked back from the memorial with my friend Kelsey, we both chuckled about the fact that Casey was such a happy person and he would have been bummed out by how sad we all were. As we shared Casey memories with each other, Kelsey and I both talked about how we might be remembered. It was a scary thought, especially when I look at Casey's vast accomplishments and life experiences he had in just 29 years. It's too bad that tragedies like this one are the jump starts we need to realize how amazing life can be and to be thankful that we have had another day.

I will miss Casey as I continue on with my studies, especially because I appreciated him as an intellectual, and I know he would have continued to accomplish great things within sociology. I will also miss him as a person. He was one of those people who could truly light up a room. To close, I remember the words that a priest said to me when my friend Jenny died suddenly. He said that as long as there are people here who can carry and share the memories of a person they are never truly gone, and when the last person who remembers them leaves this life, it is no reason to be sad. It just means that we're finally all together again. I hope that wherever Casey is he knows how appreciated he was, and if not someday maybe we can all be with him to tell him.

The Sobering Realization...

...that I can now be classified as a twenty-something. I was speaking with Neil on the phone the other night, and of course he was giving me a hard time about my recent birthday. Ugh, I'm 24. For some reason, birthdays have become more depressing. Maybe it's because there are few milestone birthdays left. Basically, next year when I turn 25 that will be ok, because I will no longer be charged an extra fee when I rent a car. Then, that's about it until 50 when I'll join AARP (for the hotel discounts and the magazine). Back to the twenty-something thing, though.

Although wikipedia would define a twenty-something as a person between the ages of 20-29, I think that there is a distinction between those who are still undergraduates and those who have entered "the real world." Neil and I determined that by 24 most people have achieved this, even if they are on the five or six year plan for undergrad. People who have left undergrad are the true twenty-somethings, because as an undergrad most of us still have a sort of tension between whether or not we're still a part of our childhood home or whether we're striking it out on our own. For most of us, within a year of leaving undergrad that tension is resolved one way or another. Lots of grads either move back home while trying to get on their feet or they finally make a break. Most also have to make the decision on what comes after the bachelor's degree. Many may look to getting their first grown-up job while others stay in school. The latter decision is especially important for those who majored in things that don't scream "I have employable skills." I know first hand; I majored in history.

During this time, I made the break and although I still get some help from my parents, I live on my own and I am in charge of my own finances, schedule, and for the most part, my well-being. The freedom of being pseudo-adult is liberating but frightening, and I think that I will be spending the rest of my twenties getting used to this freedom, learning what choices benefit me the most, and eventually achieving complete financial freedom from my family. I am also trying to embrace this time in my life as a chance to move out of my comfort zone and eventually take risks like moving to a new city or studying abroad. This could be the only time I have before I'm tied down by property, a job, or relationships.

Two First Days Knocked Out

Well as of 10:15 this morning, I've completed the first days for both of my recitations. This quarter I've changed my first day philosophy from being a hardass on the first day to just being myself. When I first started out as a GTA, many of the other seasoned grad students advised me to be really tough on the first day as a signal to the students that you weren't going to let them get away with anything for the rest of the quarter. For two quarters, I went through four first days acting like a jerk and desperately hoping that this behavior would make my students respect me.
At the beginning of spring quarter last year, I was a grader and did not have to worry about the first day impression I needed to give off; however, I received a thick envelope of evaluations from the previous quarter that needed to be read. I got some of the usual complaints such as I graded too tough because I took off points for grammar. (I'll have a rant about how I hate this complaint another day.) Surprisingly, I did have several students who were critical of my first day demeanor. One wrote that I seemed unnecessarily mean for that one day which did not fit in with my amiable nature during the subsequent weeks. They basically then called me out by saying that I did not have to be mean on day one for students to respect me; they would respect me because they recognized that I was the instructor.
I filed away the complaints in the back of my mind to consider for when I would teach again. Suddenly, the first day for this quarter was nearly upon me and as I wrote my lesson plan, I made the decision not to put on a "tough" persona for day one. My students from the winter were right, I was basically BSing them with this act. The simple truth is, there are a number reasons that would contribute to a lack of respect in the classroom including my attempt to be someone that I'm not. Don't get me wrong, I don't let my students get away with lame excuses or low quality work, but in my experience students who probably were not going to respect you anyway are the usual culprits in these schemes and are easily called out.
So, with two first days under my belt for the quarter, I am left to ponder whether this new approach will be more beneficial than the old one. I am slightly nervous that it may backfire, and they think that I am too nice, so I guess I am still learning how to strike the perfect equilibrium between being approachable and understanding yet firm and respected as an educator. Luckily, with 4-5 more years of school left, I still have many first days ahead of me.

And so it begins...

So, I am spending the last two days of my summer vacation sitting on my couch battling some mysterious illness that struck me sometime during the night. At the end of these two days, I will be starting my second year of graduate school and hopefully by spring I'll be receiving my MA in sociology. Since our society is increasingly moving more and more towards credentialism, it'll be nice to get some letters after my name. From there, I will have to make some big decisions about my future in the program. At the beginning, I was intent on just sticking it out until my PhD, however, I am not sure I can take five more years and the prospect of not starting a career until my late 20s is a bit daunting. I am hoping that the experiences of this year will help me determine whether to stick it out or to leave after my exams and write my dissertation on my own.

I am hoping to use this blog as an attempt to chronicle the ridiculous experience of grad school and TAing/teaching at a large university. I imagine it will eventually turn into a less funny version of PhD Comics that is still painfully true. (If you are considering grad school or are a current grad student and have not read PhD comics, I would highly recommend it. I've taken to just sending people links to the site when they ask me how my studies are going. Most of the situations that produce the humor are actually a fairly accurate depiction of the grad school experience.) I also want to use this blog as a public journal to document some of the funny, exciting, interesting, and funny things occurring in my life. I've been working to let my guard down and try new experiences lately, and so I think it might be a good self-reflective exercise to look at the consequences of those experiences, and hopefully it might give someone a laugh.